The Never Ending Story
by Caitlin-and-Emily
Summary: Ok. So, this is a parody of the fellowship of the ring, MOVIE, not book. Now back up and with revisions. All of it's goodness and randomness still intact. Rejoyce and be glad! So read! And REVIEW! Because that would be awesome, and make us smile.
1. Pimps and Ho's

**Disclaimer:** What we do not own includes, but is not limited to: The Matrix, Hitler, World War II, the g-hetto, pimps, ho's, alka seltzer, Harry Potter, Oprah, Mexicans, H. Lo, bananas, No Doubt, Wonder Woman, Rainbow Bright, My Little Pony, The east coast, Moses, the west coast, Tupac, Moses movies, Biggie, Ian McGandalf, and much more.

Here is the story. Back up, with revisions afer it was so graciously taken down. Hopefully you all still like it.

Alas, again, read.

Enjoy.

**Lord of the Rings: The Never Ending Story**

Voiceover: -You don't know who she is or what the hell she's talking about, but it sure as hell sounds cool-

**Lord of the Rings.**

So, there are a bunch of rings and some short people.

In the magical land of Mordor, Hitler takes over all the rings.

Hitler: DAMMIT! I AM CRAZY MAN! FEEL MY CRAZY!!

Caitlin: Orcs are ugly.

Mr. Anderson. He never dies. Ever. I mean, Neo had to pretty much disrupt the entire concept of reality to kill him in the Matrix.

They broke the pretty sword.

Kelsey: Don't break the pretty ring! Oh wait…I guess that would probably save us a lot of problems. But then there would be no movie. And then where would pretty elf boy be?

So back story is boring. Basically there is a ring and it's evil. And one screwed up family.

Gollum! A little crazy, but all in all, a pretty good guy. He's an old man, still rockin it old school.

A shadow in the east. A SHADOW in the east. Oh the horror.

The ring is apparently capable of human thought. This may or may not suck for a lot of people.

Bilbo finds the ring. Which totally makes no sense at all. Because seriously, if Gollum's entire life had revolved around that one thing for 500 years, you'd think he'd keep a better eye on it.

**The Fellowship of the Bling.**

The shire.

Gandalf!! Woot.

Frodo: Bitch, you late. Where my money? Don't play with me, man, don't play!

Gandalf: Wizards are never late.

Harry Potter: Word.

They're in a cart now. Just so you know.

Hobbits are happy and hairy and short. And they live in hills.

Gandalf is the Oprah of Middle Earth. He has his own show with a billion viewers in 23423 countries and he gives away free carts and owns Fladnag productions.

Woo, fireworks.

Caitlin: Sparkle Sparkle!!

Gandalf and Bilbo are gay lovers.

All old men like whisky.

Dumbledore: Hell yes we do!

Gandalf equals Moses.

Bilbo: (Is talking funny)

He wants to see the mountains and he would like some butter.

Party time.

Smokin the dope.

Gandalf: Dude, eggs come from animals. How freakin sweet is that?

Caitlin: Hey! That's my line!

Bilbo: Yeah, it's like that one time when there was the guy and he all like 'Sweet' and it was just like, whoa.

Gandalf: Whoa, that's metaphorical dude.

Frodo: Damn bitch, I run these streets like a Mexican crossin the border!

Pippin: Hey man! Chu don' be talking me like you know me. Me and Hennifer we's be workin back at home in Mehico.

Frodo: Hell no, man! Don't make calls them immigration popos on your ass.

Pippin: Hey man! I'm jus lookin' for a yob.

Frodo: Homie say whaaat?

Pippin: A yob! You whities ain't know nothin about a yob! You know like H. Lo's yob is to "sing" and date men and divorce men and shake her bodonkadonk

Frodo: Oh…damn straight man.

Anyways, there some singing and stuff. Oh and cake. And Frodo's breaking it down like he was Alka-Seltzer.

Hey, it's the supreme master of the universe, otherwise known as Sam.

Pippin: Hey man, let's go steal some fireworks.

Merry: Lots of high explosive material….LET'S GO!!

Pippin: Sweet.

Merry: For shizzle my nizzle.

Pippin: Hey man! Look at how big this one is! It's like H. Lo's booty except it catches on fire and explodes.

Harajuku Girls: Gandalf! Save us from the giant burning dragon!

That One Blonde Chick That Was in That One Band About Having No Doubts: No! Return to me my little bananas! B-A-N-A-N-A-S! Why will you not come when I call you? This shit is bananas! B-A-N-A-N-A-S!

Gandalf: Haha! I have smote you at last, you evil peroxide woman! Return to your state of not doubting while I frolic about the countryside with your delectable Asian treats!

Merry and Pippin get caught by the popo, otherwise known as Gandalf.

Speech!

Bilbo: Hey! Hey! Wh—Hey! Bitches!

Bitches: YEAH!

Bilbo: Yeah! Ha…Ho's!

Ho's: YEAH!

Bilbo: Haha…ho's…Pimps!

Frodo: Whattup foo? You been messin on my block? Don't be messin on my block!

Bilbo: It's my hundredth and my hundred…and eleventy…eleven…I'm old! Hey look! I have feet! And they're hairy!

Everybody: (awkward silence)

Bilbo: Alas, I am drunk. Look at my ring! It's shiny! Haha…watch me disappear. (disappears) Haha, isn't that funny! Look! Ha! You can't look because you can't see me! (THUD) Haha! There's a tree! A TREE! I'm gonna go…you coming Mr. Tree? No? Okay, you just chill right here. I'm gonna go now! See me go! You can't see me! Hahaha…

Frodo: Damn, nows I gots to find me another hustler to work da corner. Dat damn Merry

gonna be steppin on my street. I can'ts have no's My Little Ponies steppin round the Rainbow Bright Gang. I ain't bouts to have no drama go down on my block.

Translation: -has nothing to do with the movie-

So going back to the movie that we been so effectively ignoring…

Bilbo is invisible. This means you can't see him. Although Wonder Woman can.

Wonder Woman: I am amazing.

Gandalf owns the world. And Sam owns Gandalf. Sam was the burning bush. That's how they met.

Bilbo: You will keep an eye on Frodo, won't you?

Gandalf: Two eyes…because I have two.

Bilbo is addicted to shiny gold rings. And now he's pissing off Moses. Oh damn, don't be pissing off Moses. That's what the Egyptians did and look what happened to them.

-- _Insert Moses movie here _--

So Bilbo decides to leave the evil ring of doom to Frodo. Because if there's anything a working pimp needs, it's a ring to rule the world with…and a fuzzy purple hat.

So apparently, gay people love this movie (HI GAY PEOPLE!! WE HEART YOU!!). I guess a movie about a bunch of guys frolicking all over the place and fighting over jewelry would make sense for gay people.

Frodo: Bilbo!! Bil- Oh! Damn! Look at that bling! That shit is off the chain! Yo, hand that over old man.

Translation: Bilbo oh Bilbo where art thou? Oh my good golly gosh! That ring is simply splendid! Would you please hand me that beautiful ring dear elderly man?

Gandalf mails Frodo the ring from two feet away.

Frodo: Don't be breakin balls to get up out of this joint. Just rock wit me and let's go meet up with a couple playas from down the block.

Translation: Well thank you my good fellow. Would you like to join me and some of our good friends in a lovely evening of cocktails?

So Gandalf leaves Frodo all by his lonesome with a ring that could destroy the world.

Gollum is hurt. This sucks for everyone.

So, just for a little geography lesson, the shire is the east coast, represented by Frodo and his gang of bitches (the Rainbow Bright Gang), and the Biggie to his Tupac is Merry and his My Little Pony Gang. Pippin is a Mexican. He was brought to the My Little Pony Gang through the widely popular Adopt-A-Mexican Program. It's much like the Adopt-A-Highway Program except you don't have to pick up garbage on the weekends. And Mordor is the west coast, rocking the likes of N.W.A. (Nasty Wicked Apples). They comin at you straight of Mordor, bitches!!

Gandalf took a field trip. He's in Big City With Rock In Middle (BCWRIM). We don't know why. Basically he's just repeating the voiceover that we ignored at the beginning of the movie. So, in an effort to uphold this record, we will continue to ignore any and all important information from this point on.

It's the dementors from Harry Potter.

Harry Potter: Expecto Patronum!

Gandalf: Wrong movie, dude.

Harry Potter: EXPECTO PATRONUM!

Ron: Um, Harry…

Harry: I SAW MY DADDY!

Ron: Dude, just stop. Let's go, I'm losing valuable sexual tension moments with Hermione.

Gandalf throws the burning ring at Frodo.

Frodo: Yo, there be shiznit up on this ring! I ain't want no bad shit!

Gandalf: The ring is evil! All men get addicted to its power!

Frodo: Addicted? Can I sell it? How much is it worth?

More back story. You'd think they were trying to make us pay attention or something. Damn them and their infinite amount of knowledge. DAMN THEM!

The Dark Lord…Voldemort…total Harry Potter rip off.

Apparently Gandalf has an in with the torture master over at Mordor. They go way back. They went to wizard school together with Dumbledore.

Frodo: Bitch, take this ring up off of me!

Gandalf: I will do no such thing!

Frodo: Damn! It's hard out here for a pimp! (Insert appropriate theme song) Are you's telling me I gots to take that shit all the way to Mordor?

Gandalf: Basically…yeah.

Frodo: Le damn…bitch.

Frodo grabs the ring….and some cheese. Now he is completely prepared to save all of Middle Earth from certain doom.

Frodo: Yo, Sam! Since you's be like the Master of the Universe, you wanna roll wit me over to Mordor and burn this damn ring?

Sam: I will do so, young Frodo Baggins. The universe has agreed that such an alliance would be prosperous in the very near future.

Frodo: Come on, beotch! I ain't gots all day!

Gandalf: So pretty much, this ring is the reincarnation of evil and everybody wants to take it and kill you. Have fun!

Frodo: I wants to ride on back to my block!

Gandalf: No.

Frodo: But-

Gandalf: No.

Frodo: Pleeeease...

Gandalf: No.

Frodo: Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, man.

* * *

A/N: So there it is again. It was taken down, as in our hypothetical pirate parodies, but it's back up (with revisions, as in pirates) and we hope you all still like it. The rest of the chapters will be up again soon. Not to worry. So reviewing would be the greatest thing of ever. I'll post what we had, but new ones just make us happy. And that's the ultimate goal right? So REVIEW! S'il vous plait et merci!

They can (once again) take our parodies but they can't take our FREEDOM!!


	2. Fire and a Gay Bar

**Disclaimer:** What we do not own includes: The Bahamas, "I'll Fly Away", Ancient Chinese magic, Over the river and through the woods, China, "It's hard out there for a pimp" Linda Blair, Ka-ra-tae, "Everybody was Kung Fu Fighting", Moses Movies, DDR, The Matrix, Children of the Corn, Pina Coladas, "What's New Pussycat", Singing in the Rain, Gene Kelly, "Do you come from a land down under?", Tupoc, Santa and anything else we mentioned in the previous disclaimer.

**What we still own:** Our Freeeeeeeeeedom!

Alas, le story.

Enjoy.

* * *

And we're back…

Over the river and through the woods and some fields and by mountains and such, to the Mountain of Doom we go!

Sam: This is new land to me, through which I have not yet passed. Thou hast taken me far young Frodo Baggins.

Frodo: Foo. Get ya ass over here… Dats coo. Member what dat ol' Bilbo-hizzle said…

_--Insert Flashback—_

Bilbo: It's hard out there for a pimp.

_--End Flashback_—

Frodo: And besides hommie, if chew don come wit me, it messes wit da whole plot of da 3rd movie when chew save my life an all dat shit.

Sam: Oh…well in that case…

In some other part of Middle Earth…

Run, Ian McGandalf! Run! ...or whatever.

Creepy voiceover man talks too much. Again with the whole back story thing. At least his voice sounds cool.

Gandalf: Hmmm…this guy Saruman sure is a great guy. I trust him sooooo much. I mean he could never EVER have joined sides with the big Hitler-like-glowing-creepy-ass-eye-thing-that-sits-on-top-of-a-tower. AND he would_ never_ lock me in this here big tower of doom and force me to use my ka-ra-tae skills on him, only to have him beat me senseless so that I have to tell the little butterfly thing that I need the giant eagles to save me. And of COURSE, Saruman would never kill all the trees and build a giant factory of DOOM and create a giant kick ass computer animated army we all have to fight at the end of the 2nd movie. SO, Marry and Pippin would have no reason to have the trees, and the tree huggers, wreak holy havoc on the place and flood it. That would never ever happen in a billion years.

Saruman: I'm evil.

Gandalf: Damn.

Saruman: Listen Ian McGandalf; just tell me everything the big eye needs to know to screw you and Frodo over.

Gandalf: (tells him) …wait…damn.

Saruman: I BEAT YOU!

Gandalf: KA-RA-TAE!!

Everybody was kung fu fighting. HIA-YA!

Saruman: I beat you with my staff-y thing!

Gandalf: Oww…

Saruman: And now…for the dance off…

In a cornfield…somewhere…

Caitlin: Look…corn…

Kelsey: Shut up.

Caitlin: And, aww! The hobbits are small…like children…and they're in the corn…they're like children of the corn.

Kelsey: I'm not listening…not listening… (hums)

Now really…in a cornfield…

Sam: Oh Frodo, oh Frodo! Where for art thou Frodo?

Frodo: Yo hommie, wut up?

Merry and Pippin are running through the corn like small children, but not in any demented-lets-kill-everybody way.

Frodo: Hey, hey. What is you doin in my hood?

Merry: We's just be passin' through lookin' for some bitches and ho's.

Frodo: Bitch! On my block?! Oh hell no.…It's hard out here for a pimp!

Pimps everywhere: Word.

Now the Hobbits are somehow on a road…

The dementors from Harry Potter strike once again!!

Harry Potter: EXPECTO PATRONUM!!

Frodo: Dude…again, wrong movie.

Harry Potter: Damn it!

Frolicking through the dark woods…

Merry: Foo, you gots gangstas from the West Coast after yo ass. Dey want yo bling bling. We need to get to da ferry. For shizzle my nizzle in the hizzle with dat for the motha whaaaaaat!

Everyone: ………

Run Frodo! Run!

Frodo: Run run, as fast as you can. You can't catch me or there wouldn't be two other incredibly long movies following this one!

Merry: You made it!

Frodo: Gee, le gasp.

In the Rain…

Pippin: I'm singing in the rain, just singing in the rain!

Gene Kelly: What a glorious feeling, I'm happy again.

Pippin and Gene: I'm laughing at clouds, so dark up above. The sun's in my heart and I'm ready for love.

--Dance number--

Creepy Man at the gate: …the hell?

Frodo: We need to find the Prancing Pony.

Creepy Man: Oh yeah, the gay bar. Its right up the-

Frodo: NO! The _other_ Prancing Pony. (shudders)

Creepy Man: Oh…that way.

The Prancing Pony is creepy…

Frodo: Where the hell is Gandalf?

Sam: Maybe we should check the other Prancing Pony.

Frodo: NO! …Innkeeper guy! Where be Gandalf?

Innkeeper: Gandalf…? You mean the old gay guy with the sweater vest?

Frodo: Uh no…

Innkeeper: Oh! You mean the one old guy with the hat?

Frodo: …..sure….

Innkeeper: I haven't seen him.

Frodo: Damn!

Merry: Let's get drunk and tell everyone Frodo is here!

Pippin: OK!

Sam: Young Frodo Baggins. Ye have some guy stalking ye. Not that he'll be of any importance to the plot of the rest of the movies or anything.

Slow motion sequence of really old creepy ugly people commences.

Frodo: Oooo! This ring is shiny! Its sooo pretty! Its round and shiny and pretty and gold and smooth and pretty and perfect and it matches everything I own. I love it sooo much! I think I'll put it on. What's the worst that could happen?

--Insert battles and whatnot from the next two movies—

Frodo: But. its. so. pretty. can't. resist. the. pretty. ring.

Frodo puts the ring on.

All hell breaks loose…ok not really…..yet.

Caitlin: VIGGO!

Aragon: -steals Frodo-

Frodo: Dude…wtf?

Aragon: Are you retarded? Don't wear the damn ring!

Frodo: But its so pretty…

Blah, blah, blah, plot and such. Apparently the dementor things are coming and Aragon saves the Hobbits.

HA! The dementors got owned by Aragon and his plan.

Caitlin: Dementors, you fail at life.

Kelsey: You know they're not dementors, right?

Caitlin: (death rays)

Aragon: Back story!

Everyone: Oooh! Ahhhh!

The next day…maybe…

Frodo: Where are we going? And why are we going? What's going on? Where are we? Who are we? What is tuna? What is the meaning of life? Who are you? Who am I? Is the sky really blue? Where do babies come from? Is Santa real? What makes soda fizzy? Is Tupoc really dead? Did that one president from Arkansas really have sexual relations with that woman? What is the Matrix? Why are some grapes white and others purple? Do you come from the land down under? What's new pussycat? Do you like Pina Coladas? Getting caught in the rain? What's the name…

Aragon: Just shut up and listen to someone for a change!

Frodo: What?! I always listen to people.

--_Flash forward--_

Sam: Frodo, Gollum is a douche bag. He is evil. E-V-I-L.

Frodo: Bitch! (slap) How dare you insult him! Gollum is a good boy. Isn't that right Gollum?

Gollum: No.

--_End_--

Merry: How do we know we can trust Aragon…I mean 'Strider'…because we don't know his real name yet…?

Frodo: Oh don't worry. I don't want to follow him or listen to him, so therefore he must be a good person. I only follow the ones who will get me into the most trouble. Right Gollum?

Gollum: Right.

Sam: Where is he taking us?

Aragon: Rivendell.

Sam: How could he know what to answer? Can he read my mind? Is he a psychic? Is it ancient Chinese magic?

Aragon: I'm standing two feet away from you, and you talk loud.

Sam: Wow. He's really good at reading my thoughts.

Aragon: (sigh)

Frodo: What is Rivendell? What is a riven? What is a dell? Why's it called Rivendell? Is it pretty? Does it have trees? Is it old? Who lives there? What's his name? Do you live there? Can we go faster? How long till we're there? Are we there yet? When…

Aragon: Behave yourself young man. Don't think I won't stop this car and turn around. That's it. Time-out.

Oh, by the way, Elves live in Rivendell.

Pippin: I haven't eaten in the last 4 minutes. Can we stop and eat?

Aragon: No.

Pippin: But…

Aragon: No.

Pippin: Pleeeeeeease!!

Aragon: No.

Pippin: But I wanna!

Aragon: Bitch!

Back in land-o-huge-kick-ass-computer-animated-army-factory…

Saruman: Cut down all these trees and build me a huge computer animated army vermin! NOW!

Trees: -die-

Tree Huggers: NOOOOOOOO!!

Back to prettiness…

Aragon: Look! A big rock, go rest. Now I will leave you all alone to defend yourselves if anything happens. Gee, I really hope none of those dementor things come to eat you while I'm away. That would suck…a lot. Suck…haha…literally…dementors suck out your soul…Well, have fun!

Merry: Oh look. Dementor things. Woot.

Frodo: Le damn.

Dementor things: Give us the bling.

Frodo: No, its mine. I think I'll wear it again. It'd look good with this outfit.

Frodo disappears, but the dementor things are still there…only, they're not dementors they're like people, but they're all whit and ghost-like so Frodo is still screwed.

HA! Frodo got owned by the blade of a ghost-y thing. Sucker.

Harry Potter: Have no fear! Harry Potter is here! Expecto Patronum!

Expecto Patronum: -doesn't work-

Harry Potter: I fail.

Woot! Aragon saves the day for real!

Pippin: Aww, how thoughtful. Aragon lit that dementor on fire, he must have been cold.

Harry Potter: Why do I fail at everything!?

Sam: Hey! Frodo got owned by a sword.

Aragon: It was a Morgul blade. He's beyond my help. He needs Elvish medicine.

Merry: A what blade?

Aragon: It's thing, made in a place, by some people.

Pippin: It says "Made In China"

Land-o-computer-animated-army…

Trees: -still dying-

Tree Huggers: -still pissed-

Gandalf calls the butterfly of amazing-ness and tells it to get the eagles of wonder. But we don't really know this yet.

Look! It's the pits of hell.

Ok eww. Saruman's giant-computer-animated-army is made in a really disgusting way.

Back to Frodo and Company…

Frodo is possessed.

Priest: Heathen! The devil within you must be exercised!

Sam: Oh please. Go find Linda Blair; she's hacking up pea soup. Oh, by the way, Frodo feels cold. Is that bad?

Pippin: Is he going to die?

Aragon: He will soon join the dementor things. So we must heal him soon. But have no fear! He will be saved. Otherwise this would be the end of the movie and therefore the end of the trilogy-that-never-really-would-have-been, and we would all be out of jobs.

Pippin: Oh…

Arwen makes everything better.

Arwen: Hello, I am the daughter of that guy in that one band that writes the songs. Worship me!

Frodo is dying. Please, Arwen and Aragon waste more time.

Aragon: -plot in Elvish-

Arwen: -more plot in Elvish-

A cross country pony ride! Yay!

Aww, the dementors are following Arwen. It's like polo, only not.

Arwen: Alas, the dementors are coming.

Harry Potter: I'm on my way! Come on broom, go faster!

Ok, a second ago those wraith/dementor things were not that close to Arwen.

River! It's like a Moses movie, only not.

Arwen: If you want him, come and claim him.

Harry Potter: EXPECTO PATRONUM!

Water: -attacks the dementor things-

Harry Potter: FINALLY! SUCCESS!

Frodo: Actually, Arwen told the water to do that, so it did.

Harry Potter: DAMN! I can't do anything! I need to go cut myself…wait…Frodo's supposed to be unconscious.

Frodo: Oh, right.

Frodo: -is unconscious-

Arwen: Frodo! Don't die!

Frodo: People please. I'm in the next two movies. Chill.

Dream like montage featuring the Mr. Anderson guy from the Matrix.

Later…

Frodo: I'm awake! Wait, where am I? Who am I? Am I real? Is this the Matrix? Where…

Gandalf: Chill dude.

Frodo: Ian McGandalf?! I thought you were temporarily displaced from a state of being until the second movie?

Gandalf: That's later.

Frodo: Oh, right….by the way…bitch! Where were you?!

Gandalf: Well…Saruman and I had a slight altercation that led to a dance dance revolution dance off, and…he kicked my ass. So I had to call for an eagle and I flew away on him.

--_Insert Flashback_--

Gandalf: I'm like a bird!

Harry Potter flying Buckbeak: I'll only fly away!

Gandalf: I'm the king of the world! Whoo hoo!

--_End Flashback_--

Frodo: Really?

Gandalf: No. I was actually in the Bahamas.

Frodo: Oh.

Sam: Frodo! You're awake! And alive!

Frodo: Well the plot would be kinda screwed if I wasn't.

Gandalf: You were saved by Elrond and his Elf-y magic-ness.

Frodo: Who the hell is Elrond? Why does everyone talk about him? Why's he so special? What has he ever done? What does he do? Why am I here? Who…

Elrond: I am Elrond.

Frodo: I see.

Elrond: Welcome to Rivendell, Mr. Anderson.

Frodo: I still don't know what a riven ar a dell is.

* * *

A/N: So that's the second installment. W00t. We are slowly but surely reposting our lovely innocent parody, which was ruthlessly ripped from the interweb. Anyway, thanks to all who have reviewed. You are awesome. But what would be even more awesome would be if you reviewed more. Then you would be the king of awesome or something. ...And you may possibly get a cookie... possibly. Full of chocolate-y goodness.

Merci! Et s'il vous plait.


	3. Wonder Woman and Peaches

**Disclaimer: **Once again, the things that we do not own: everything previously mentioned in previous chapters, "V for Vendetta", Romeo and Juliet, Wonder Woman, Monty Python, legal documents, Gene Simmons, peaches, secret brotherhoods, the Louvre, "National Treasure", the Mona Lisa, Mt. Vesuvius, "The Birds", Alfred Hitchcock, the Last Supper, rainbows (owned by peace and gay people, we heart you!), the Declaration of Independence, the Great Wall of China, "Sweatin' to the Oldies", the Vatican, sunshine, and dawg, with a g.

And now, here is more of the long awaited story...

Read.

* * *

So Rivendell seems like a nice place. It's pretty.

Yay! Everybody is happy and rejoycing and being glad. Enjoy it while you can Fellowship, enjoy it while you can.

Frodo: Bilbo-hizzle!!

Bilbo: Look! I wrote a book!

Frodo: "It's Hard Out Here For A Pimp": The Trials and Tribulations of Being a Pimp by Bilbo-hizzle. How exquisite!

Bilbo: Alas, I am old, for you stole my damn ring.

Frodo: I am incompetent.

Bilbo: (is bitter...except not)

Somewhere else in Riveldell...

Gandalf: Frodo can't handle the pretty-ness of the ring.

Elrond: But he has shown such strength.

Gandalf: orly?

--_Flashback_--

Frodo: The. ring. So. pretty. Must. wear. it.

--_End Flashback_--

Elrond:...The Matrix has you!! (pose)

Gandalf: ...wtf?

Elrond: The eye thing is looking at me. The ring needs to leave. Now.

Gandalf: So...

Elrond: We're screwed.

Gandalf: Agreed.

More plot. And as said earlier, to keep up with our record, we are skillfully ignoring any and all major important plot points.

Gandalf: We need to put our faith in men.

Elrond: Ok, now we're really screwed. Like for serious.

--_Flashback_--

Elrond: Destroy the damn ring!

King Guy: Hello no! It's mine!

Elrond: NOW!

King Guy: YOUR FACE!!

--_End Flashback_--

Gandalf: Shit.

Later...much later...

Boramir: Woot! Shiny pretty broken sword. Touchy!

Caitlin: You whore! You are a douche. And you die, which causes lots of problems in the future movies because your dad is bitter. (death rays)

Aragorn: I am bitter!

Arwen: Seriously, chill. Just accept the fact that you're the heir and get on with life. These movies are already long as it is.

Aragorn: Never!

Arwen/Aragorn love vows are being proclaimed on a bridge. It's sort of like Romeo and Juliet except no one dies. So really it's nothing like Romeo and Juliet. But whatever.

Arwen: I want to give up my immortality to be with you. Even though that means that I will grow old and wrinkly and sag in places that shouldn't sag only to die, I still heart you!

Aragorn: No! I cannot let you do that.

Arwen: I'll give you my necklace.

Aragorn: Ooooh! SHINY!!

Has anyone ever noticed that Arwen and Aragorn are two very similar names. It's like when someone is telling a story about brothers or something and they're like "This is Tim and his twin brother Jim-bob." Ok, maybe I'm the only one who thinks that it's weird.

Pow wow time!!

Elrond: Mr. Anderson, you have been called to this here pow wow to decide what to do with the bling. For it is shiny. YOU CANNOT ESCAPE THE MATRIX! Show me the money!...er, ring, yeah ring... Frodo!

Everyone: Oooooh! Ahhhhhh!

Boramir: Can't. resist. the. shiny-ness.

Caitlin: Hey, he was in National Treasure.

Kelsey: Why do you know this?

Boramir: This here ring needs to go to me. Uh. Just because...

Aragorn: No, you whore.

Boramir: Biotch, don't even start...

Legolas: Ohmygosh! Do you know who this is? This is (drum roll) Aragorn! Bow to him!

Boramir: Why?

Legolas: Because I said so. And I'm pretty-er than you.

Boramir: Well at least its not because he's the heir of that one guy who defeated Sauron and he'd here to get that one broken sword so he can fight two huge ass battles, one of which is caused by my dad's bitterness over the fact that I die here soon. And at least he's not going to help defeat all evil and then become king of Big City with Rock in Middle. That would be ridiculous.

-Insert the next two movies-

Boramir: Damn.

Elrond: There is only one thing to do with the ring, Mr. Anderson. It much be destroyed. And the journey must take as long as humanly possible, so the people that take the ring have to be interesting ot at least screw up a lot so that it takes longer.

Gimli: I am Rabi Gimli! I will destroy the ring!

Gimli's axe is smote (smited?) by the ring.

Ring: Take that bi-yotch.

Gimli: le damn.

Elrond: The ring was made in the fires of Mt. Veseuvius over the Great Wall of China and through various radioactive spider infested labyrinths. And it can only be destroyed in those fires, Mr. Anderson. One of you must accept this swashbuckling adventure.

Boramir: Dude, that sucks. Whoever choses to do this will be beaten, tarred and feathered, eaten alive by ants, starved, have they're elbows broken, they're legs branded, be beaten over the head with a 2 x 4, run over with a steam roller, be forced to play minesweeper for hours upon hours, and will have to breathe toxic fumes, walk through a nuclear waste zone, and pass through the very pits of hell.

Leoglas: Sounds fabulous!

Rabbi Gimli: Nuh uh! No elf-pretty-boy will do this. I'm going!

Boramir: Oh hell naw! I wan do dis shit.

Harry Potter: Oooh! Ooooh! Pick me! Pick me!

Gimli: Elves suck.

Legolas: Your mom.

Everyone: Bitch, bitch, yell, bicker, and other various angry and frustrated exclamations.

Gandalf: We are _so_ screwed.

Frodo has a moment with the ring.

Everyone: (Continuing exclamations of anger in raised tones...otherwise known as yelling)

Frodo: I'll take the ring.

No one: (hears him)

Frodo: BITCHES AND HOS! I'M TAKING THE DAMN RING!

Everyone: ...

Gandalf: Alas, le damn.

Frodo: But it's hard out there for a pimp, so I'll need help from my hommies.

Gandalf: Well sing how as I got you in to this, I guess I'll go.

Aragorn: And I have to go to save you girls from the giant kick-ass computer animated armies.

Legolas: The ring is pretty, therefore I shall go.

Gimli: If pretty-boy goes, I'm going.

Legolas: Damn.

Excessively Feminine Male Plan gang: Looks like somebody needs a makeover! We're coming too!

Boramir: Well I guess I have to go.

Elrond: Why? You're an ass.

Boramir: So I can screw everyone over and then die, which in turn creates more problems.

Elrond: I see.

Sam: Thou shall not depart without me!

Elrond: ...wtf?

Sam: I need to go so I can save Frodo's ass countless times throughout the next two movies, even though he becomes a bitch and then carry his lazy ass up Mt. Vesuvius.

Elrond: Well in that case...

Merry and Pippin: There's no way in the history of the world that you would get us to go.

Elrond: Here is your endless supply of beer.

Merry: I am SO there!

Pippin: Oooh! Oooh! Me too! Besides... I'm the smart one.

--Insert the scene where Pippin is loud and almost gets everyone killed--

Everyone: ...

Gandalf: Oh we are SO screwed.

Elrond: Whatever. Go, have fun...

Sam: Is that it?

Elrond: Remember, remember, the 5th of November.

Sam: What?

Elrond: ... The Matrix has you!! (runs away)

SO ANYWAY...back to the movie...

Awww. They're all so cute and ready to go on a quest of doom.

Elrond: Nine of you then? That's an odd number, but I guess its necessary so that you can break into 3 separate groups at the end of this movie and go in completely opposite directions after Gandalf is temporarily displaced from a state of being, Boramir dies and Merry and Pippin get carted off by Orcs, waisting copious amounts of time and effort and causing the need for a 3rd movie. Alas! You shall go! You will be faced with almost certain peril!

Boramir: What?

Elrond: Nothing. (eye shift)

Frodo: Uh, I think I changed my mind. I don't wanna go.

Elrond: No! Did I say almost certain peril? By that I mean... uh... after you go through the fields of sunshine... you, uh, get to the land of rainbows and butterflies...and everyone lives happily ever after... (eye shift)...yeah, that's it.

Gandalf: The land of rainbows? My home!!

Everyone: ...wtf?

Frodo: Well if there are butterflies...

Elrond: Alright. That statement was legally binding. If you'd all just sign these forms so in case one of you coughBoramircough dies, I can't be held liable.

Frodo: ...wait...

Elrond: ALRIGHTY THEN! There you go. There are nine of you. You are the Fellowship of the Bling and whatnot. Alright, have a good time. kthanxbye.

Pippin: When do we get that beer?

In a bedroom...

Bilbo: Here's a sword Frodo.

Frodo: Oooh! Shiny!

Bilbo: It turns into a lava lamp when Orcs are around.

Frodo: Sweet! But why a lava lamp? Why not a bean bag chair? Or a hemp necklace? And what is an Orc? How far is too far? Where are we going? Why is fire hot? What's your name? What's my name? Whats up my hizzle nizzle to the motha whaaaaa? What...

Bilbo: AND here is a shiny shirt.

Frodo: Ooooh... Why is it so shiny? What's it made out of? What is the meaning to life? Why is the sky blue? What if God was one of us? Who is Gene Simmons and what is Sweatin' to the Oldies? Why are you looking at me funny? Who...

Bilbo: My ring! So. pretty. Can I touch it?

Frodo: No.

Bilbo: (goes crazy)

Frodo: Damn! Back up off my shit dawg. With a g!

Apparently the Fellowship is too good for horses so they decide to walk all the way to hell and back. Good move.

Gandalf: We must go west for 40 days!

Gandalf really IS Moses!!

On some rocks... somewhere...

Gimli: Alas, I am lazy. Why can't we go through Moria so Pippin can be loud and almost gets us all killed? And so that Gandalf can be temporarily displaced from a state of being until the 2nd movie.

Gandalf: Not yet. I have to make this as difficult as possible.

HA! Boramir is being owned by people half his size.

Legolas is having a moment.

Frodo: Hey, there's a big black blob moving toward us really fast. Is that bad?

Legolas: It's the birds!

Aragorn: OMG! No! Hide!

Look at all the evil birds. Alfred Hitchcock would be proud.

Gandalf: To the Mountains!

Since Gandalf decided to be difficult, the Fellowship is being owned by the snow. Except for Legolas, because even the snow is deflected by his pretty, and Sam, because he is the supreme ruler of the universe.

Saruman and Gandalf still haven't resolved their issues. And now apparently Saruman controls the weather.

Gandalf: Ok fine... To the mines!!

At the mines...

Gandalf: Ok, we need to find a door that's invisible.

Merry: OK...

Wonder Woman: Found it!

Pippin: How?

Wonder Woman: The same way I find my invisible Wondership. I can see anything that's invisible.

Everyone: ...

Wonder Woman: For example, Harry Potter is over there under his cloak of invisibleness.

Harry Potter: Damn it!

Gandalf: Now how do we get in?

Hom Tanks: Well you see here, it's a riddle. A code.

Aragorn: And?

Hom Tanks: Well, according to this naked body lying hers, covered in Pegan symbols, there is an ancient brotherhood/society thing that holds the key. All we need is a cryptex, some documents stolen from the Vatican, the Louvre, and a pretty girl and were in business. Now, we will have to travel across Europe searching for clues, but not to worry. We'll have it all done within the next 24 hours.

Gandalf: (talking quietly into a cell phone in Italian) Yes, you have served the teacher well, Salais.

Sam: Uh, Gandalf?

Gandalf: What? (snaps the phone shut and glances around) ... I wasn't talking to my hired albino killer monk...Jeasus had a kid!

The church: (is pissy)

Frodo: What's this oddly shaped log with symbols singed into it?

Hom Tanks: Alas! According to my research, that brand was made by a secret organization and was stolen by the Templars. This means that Newton had an apple and that the Pope was murdered. This told me that the password to the cryptex was mustard and in the cryptex I found a grocery list written by DaVinci himself, pointing to a bunch of churches spread throughout Rome that contain magical beans that spelled out the next clue. With a mathematical equation, I discerned that Newton had his ears pierced and that Solomon liked to eat pie. I then followed the Angels pointing to the Demons and saw that the back of the Declaration of Independence had a map on it. With the help of Cicholas Nage , I found that Ben Franklin had sole glasses that could read a hidden message on a cereal box and it lead to a National hunt for a Treasure. The treasure led me to the Vatican where I flew in a helicopter, which means that the Mona Lisa was in fact, a painting, and that DaVinci did have a Code. With that information I opened another cryptex with the password tuna and found a map to the holy grail, but Monty Python already took it, which can only mean that the Last Supper had a girl in it, and therefore the password is the Elvish word for friend. Oh, and Gandalf is the teacher.

Gandalf: Hey now...

Frodo: Uh, Gandalf? Are you gonna say the password?

Gandalf: Oh right, Peaches.

* * *

A/N: So this is it. Hopefully you like it. If not, too bad. But we think you should. And reviewing would be amazing. Because that would make our day. And that is the single most important thing...eye shift... there may be baked goods involved...maybe... So, it would be great if you reviewed because this took like 4 hours to write and we're still not half way through the movie. So...REVIEW. Please and thank you. We heart you all.

Ciao.


	4. Chicken and a Demon

Disclaimer: We do not own- The "Mona Lisa", Toucan Sam and Fruit Loops, The DaVinci Code, Pirates of the Caribbean, mythology, The "Last Supper", James Bond, romance novels, Rocky, the Wizard of Oz, the Red Sea, Egyptians, Devo, "Whip It", Queen, the ACT, Transformers, and BMWs.

We do own: Our freedom!! ....and Hypothetical Pirates

Its back up! They can take our stories but they can't take our freedom!!!

Alas, enjoy.

* * *

To Refresh…..

Hom Tanks: …which can only mean that the Last Supper had a girl in it, and therefore the password is the Elvish word for friend. Oh, and Gandalf is the teacher.

Gandalf: Hey now...

Frodo: Uh, Gandalf? Are you gonna say the password?

Gandalf: Oh right, Peaches.

Now back to the story, er, movie thing…

With the magical tones of Ian McGandalf, the doors to the pits of hell opened rather easily.

Merry: Le gasp

Pippin: Le shock

Apparently everyone is in a state of shock. This proves unfortunate when the giant Kraken-like squid thing comes busting out of the creepy ass lake right behind them. Too bad.

Frodo: Who ever though that the fact that the Mona Lisa was actually a painting meant that the password was peaches.

Boramir: Oh please. That is clearly the only logical answer. Come on now. Get with it Frodo.

Ian McGandalf lights the end of his staffy thingy so that everyone can see. How thoughtful.

Gimli: Welcome to Moria! Feast, drink and make general sounds of merriment!

Legolas: It's dirty.

Gimli: Your face is dirty.

Legolas: And there are like, dead things all over the place. I really don't think that that is all that sanitary.

Boramir: It's a tomb!

Everyone: (freaks out)

Legolas: Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Germs!

Gimli: Oh don't worry, it'll be fine further in. Besides, they're not dead, they're just sleeping.

Right. The axes and arrows in their heads are just there for decoration. It's a new line of sleepwear, by Kary Mate and Gashley.

Gimli: NOOOOOOOOOOOO! OOOOOOOOOO! HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN TO ME? WHO COLUD HAVE DONE THIS? HOW? WHY? THEY'RE ALL DEAD! I CAN'T GO ON! I'LL NEVER LET GO! THEY'RE DEAD! DEAD, DEAD,DEAD,DEAD,DEAD,DEAD! WHA—

Cean Sonnery: (slap)

Gimli: gasp.

Cean Sonnery: PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER MAN!

Gimli: (blink)

Cean Sonnery: ….It's Bond, James Bond.

-_Insert appropriate theme song_-

The world: ……….

Boramir: Cean Sonnery is here!? Run away!

Everyone runs back out of the mine, only to meet the giant Kraken-like squid thing. Clearly Boramir is someone to listen to for advice on where to go so you are the most likely to be maimed.

Kraken: Hi. I'm a giant squid thing. I like to eat people. Especially pirates. But nasty Hobbit feet were in my water! Ew. Feel my wrath Hobbits!

Hobbits: (feel the wrath)

Aragorn: Kar-a-tae chop!

Kraken: (feels the pain)

Gandalf: Ok, nevermind. Back into the mine!

The roof falls in. This may or may not be bad. I feel that it is bad.

Gandalf: Well, I guess we have to go this way. Sigh. Oh well, let's just hope that Pippin isn't loud or anything and almost gets us all killed. And I really hope that I don't have to fight a fire monster thing and have a dance off with him, leading to my untimely state of being temporarily displaced from a state of being. Because that would suck.

Aragorn: Fabulous! Let's go.

Everyone looks creeped put. And they're off through the deep and dark tunnels of Moria! Woot!

Alas! Three doors! Be amazed.

Gandalf: Ummm……

Time: (passes)

Gandalf: …ummm……. Where the hell am I?

Pippin: Are we lost?

Merry: No.

Pippin: I think we're lost.

Merry: No, Gandalf knows…he's just, thinking.

Pippin: About what?

Merry: Shhh.

Pippin: About chicken?

Merry: SHHH!

Pippin: I want chicken…

Frodo is once again having a moment. You think he'd get tired of them at some point, but he just keeps going. Like the Energizer bunny. He keeps going and going and going and going…

Frodo: Dude! Ian McGandalf, something's following us.

Gandalf: No shit.

Frodo: Oh…who is he?

Gandalf: It's Gollum. The bling has brought him. He has a love-hate relationship with the damn thing. Oh and he's a skitzo.

Frodo: Wonderful.

Gandalf: He's crazy, fool.

Frodo: Why didn't Bilbo-hizzle kill him?

Gandalf: Pity.

Frodo: Oh.

Gandalf: Besides, Gollum still has to lead you and Sam to Mordor after you ditch us all, where you become a whiny ass and tell Sam-who-is-so-much-better-than-you to leave and you almost get eaten by a giant radioactive spider but then Sam-the-amazing comes back and saves your ass and you go to the mountain of doom and Gollum bites your finger off.

Frodo: Oh…. I don't want the ring anymore! Wish the ring had ever come to me. Bitch, whine, bitch, bitch, cry.

Gandalf: Oh come on. Stop being such a pessimist. You just have to go though the very pits of hell. How bad can that be? Deal with it.

Frodo: (is bitter)

Gandalf: Oh, we go that way.

Merry: See, I knew he knew.

Gandalf: No, this way just smells prettier. Like my good friend Toucan Sam always says, "Follow your nose wherever it goes!"

-_Insert appropriate Fruit Loops commercial_-

Gandalf: Alas. A city.

Pippin: It doesn't look like a city.

Gandalf: It is damn it!

Everyone is once again is shock. They all look happy too. Really people. Enjoy it while you can.

Pippin: Look! A door! Perhaps there are more dead people in there.

Gimli: NOOOOOOO! WHY CRUEL WORLD? WHY? THIS IS SO HORRIBLE! THEY'RE ALL DEAD! DEAD! DEAD! DEA-

Aragorn: (slap)

Gimli: Ow.

Gandalf: Oh! Lookie! A book! Let's read shall we, "Antonio then brushed his big, tan hands across her soft, pale…" Whoa.... Wrong book. Here we go, "I have fallen and I can't get up. We are trapped in a room and we can't get out. Oh damn, we are screwed…" Wow. Hooked on Phonics really does work!

Pippin: Ooooh! A cobweb covered dead person sitting very close to the edge of this well. Hmm. I bet if I tough this, the head will fall off and create lots of noise leading to all of us almost getting killed and creates a situation where Gandalf is temporarily displaced from a state of being… or it could just be gas. Touchy!

Dead Guy's Body: (falls down the well)

Gandalf: Quoi?

Noise: (is loud)

Gandalf: You fool! What the hell?! I mean really! Now you've made the noise and we are soon almost going to be killed, followed closely by me being temporarily displaced from a state of being!

Pippin: (is salty)

Has anyone ever noticed that it's always Pippin who screws everyone over? The whole body falling down the well thing in this movie and then the thing with the glass orb thing in the third movie. I did.

Drum: (beat, beat)

Everyone: Le damn.

Frodo: Hey, um, my sword is blue. Is that bad?

Legolas: Orcs!

Boramir gets shot by arrows….no, not really…........yet.

Everybody is getting ready to fight. It's so quaint.

Gimli: You gotta fight, for the right, to par-tay!

If you pause the movie at this exact moment, Gimli looks like a crazy person. Like really. Do it. Now.

Legolas and Aragorn kick the Orcs asses.

Orcs: We are ugly. Feel our wrath!

Boramir: Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh!

Apparently Boramir is auditioning for the role of crazy pirate man #43 in Hypothetical Pirates of the Caribbean. He doesn't get it.

Legolas: You orcs are ugly and you smell bad so therefore you must die.

Troll enters, stage left.

Everyone: Shit.

Troll: Hello, I am Troll. I am big. I will break you.

Boramir gets owned by the troll and dies…except not.

Merry and Pippin: Here Frodo, hide in the corner. That will completely and utterly save you.

Ha! Now Legolas is owning the troll. Because that's what Legolas does.

Sam is using kitchenware to beat the trolls. This is because Sam is amazing.

Frodo: Aragorn! Save me for I am a piece of crap and can do nothing to save myself.

The troll owns Aragorn and is now wielding a giant knife.

Frodo: Damn.

Frodo gets stabbed by the knife and everyone freaks out and attacks the troll with a passionate vengeance.

Merry and Pippin: Feel the Hobbit wrath, troll!

Sam: FRODOOOOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! MY LOVE!

Aragorn: (raises his eyebrow)

Sam: I mean- MY VERY GOOD AND NOT LOVER FRIEND! NOOOOOO!

Frodo: (doesn't move)

Sam: NOOOOOOOO!

Frodo: (isn't dead)

Everyone: w00t!

Sam: Frodo! You're not dead!

Frodo: really? I hadn't noticed. Honestly people, you all need to chill.

More orcs: (are coming)

Gandalf: Quick! To the bridge of my temporary demise!

The Fellowship becomes encircled by orcs.

Gandalf: Damn.

Caitlin: The Orcs remind be of the flying monkeys from the Wizard of Oz.

Kelsey: ….

Caitlin: Da dun da da da da dun. Da dun da da da da. Daaaaaa!

Kelsey: Uhh…..

Caitlin: I'll get you my pretty. And your little dog too! Ahahhahahaah!

Kelsey: Riiiight.

Fire Monster! Woot!

Ew. Everyone is sweaty and gross. Except for Legolas. He is never dirty.

Pippin: What is that coming toward us?

Gandalf: It's a Balrog. It's an ancient demon. Aka, we're screwed.

Pippin: Is that bad?

Gandalf: …it's a demon.

Pippin: Oh that's nice.

Gandalf: Now that I've wasted copious amounts of time, RUN!

Boramir falls off a cliff and dies… not really.

Gandalf: Go ahead. The bridge of my temporary demise is just ahead.

Legolas has kick ass aim.

Ok. If it were me, I would have thrown Frodo, the one they need to keep alive, across the gaping hole before it got bigger and he almost died. But that's just me.

Caitlin: Why is there suddenly fire everywhere?

Kelsey: Um, FIRE monster maybe?

Ok, so everyone gets across the bridge except for Gandalf. He thinks it would be cool to just stand in the middle of the bridge and wait for his temporary demise. Way to go Galdalf.

Gandalf: I think I'm gonna face the giant fire monster all by myself.

Fire monster: Grrrrrrrrrr!

Gandalf: YOU CANNOT PASS!

Fire monster: You shall die by fire now!

Gandalf: Your face is fire.

Monster: Actually…

Gandalf: Bitch…

Monster: Oh no you did not. (gets out fire whip)

Devo: Whip it! Whip it good!

Frodo: Gandalf!! (in a girly voice)

Monster: Arrrrrrrrr!

Gandalf: You are no hypothetical pirate! YOU SHALL NOT PASS!

And the waters of the Red Sea closed in on the fire monster and the Egyptians.

Gandalf: Whelp. That went relatively well. And I didn't even get temporarily displaced from a state of being-

Fire whip: (owns Gandalf)

Gandalf: le damn.

Frodo: Gandalf, NO! (again in a girly voice)

Gandalf: Well I guess I'll see you all in the second movie.

Frodo: I'll never let go Gandalf! I'll never let go!

Gandalf: Sigh.

Gandalf: (falls)

Frodo: Gandalf! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

They are really pretty much screwed. Or so they think. Ok, they really are. For now.

Slo-mo sequence with people crying.

Caitlin: Ok, seriously. How come Legolas comes through all of that with only three smudges on his face?

Aragorn: Gandalf is dead. Let's go.

Boramir: Give us a minute to cry like the girls that we all are.

Aragorn: …wow. Frodo, come on.

Frodo: Leave me alone! I'm bitter! I need black nail polish of the blacker-than-a-black-hole-in-the-dark kind. (sulk)

Moving on…..In Lothlorian…

Aragorn: Alas, Lothlorian.

Gimli: Scary lady lives here. Be afraid.

Frodo is hearing voices. Oh great, now he's going crazy. Lovely.

Elf Man: The dwarf is loud. We are pretty. You are dirty. You will be judged! Follow me!

Elf places are all really pretty. I suppose that's because they are elf places.

Elves hate dwarves, dwarves hate elves. It's a deep ceded hatred. It started over ketchup. If you have to ask, you'll never know.

Aragorn and Elf Man: (bicker)

Elf Man: Follow me (hair flip)

I think elf man is the guy who brings all the elves to Helm's Deep in the second movie. None of you may know what I am talking about right now for I have the Special Extended edition of this movie and you do not.

Up in a tree…

Celebron: You all fail at life. Where's Gandalf?

Galadriel: He was temporarily displaced from a state of being.

Celebron: Sigh. You are screwed.

Galadriel: Now I shall read your minds! Feel the wrath of my stare Boramir!

Boramir: (feels the wrath)

Galadriel: Go sleep!

By water… somewhere…………..

Aragorn: Dude, Boramir, you look bad. What's up?

Boramir: I felt the wrath of the stare. She told me Gondor will fall, my dad will go crazy because I die and he'll try to kill my brother and Gandalf will have to kick his ass to save Gondor! The apparently, after two huge battles and the fall of Mordor, you are crowned king! She says there is hope left for Gondor but I don't see it!

Aragorn: Dude… I become king? ……Sweet!

Later………..

Aragorn: King, king! I become king!

Much later………..

Aragorn: …Oh I just can't wait to be king! (running around the savannah with various African wildlife)

Ok, way, way later………..

Aragorn: (dreams about being king)

Galadriel: Come with me Frodo.

Frodo: (is sleeping)

Galadriel: Frodo. Come to my secret garden.

Frodo: (is still sleeping)

Galadriel: Frodo. FRODO!

Frodo: Bitch! I am trying to sleep!

Galadriel: FOLLOW ME DAMN IT! Or feel the wrath of my stare.

Frodo: Sigh.

Galadriel: Look into the mirror. You will see stuff.

Frodo: What will I see? Why did you wake me up? Who are you anyway? Where are your shoes? Who wears short shorts? What is Lothlorian? Where is the love? Why is grass green? Is-

Galadriel: Frodo!

Frodo: Seriously, would someone lego my ego? Why does everything taste like chicken? Does beef taste like chicken? How about cheese? Do I taste like chicken? What does chicken taste like? What's your name? What's my name? Wha-

Galadriel: SHUT UP! Just look in the damn mirror.

Frodo: But it's water, not a mirror.

Galadriel: Just look at it!

Frodo: Ooooh Shiny!

Frodo sees some stuff and whatnot.

Frodo: OMG! That's horrible!

Galadriel: I have seen what you saw.

Frodo: Oh great. So now you can read my mind AND see what I see. I don't want the ring anymore! You take it!

Galadriel: Idk, my bff ron? It would make me the pretty-est and most powerful-est queen EVER!

Queen: Watch it.

Frodo: ….

Galadriel: (turns green and metallic)

Frodo: …….

Apparently Galadriel is a Transformer. She can turn into a BMW.

Galadriel: (normal again) I got a 36 on my ACT, I passed the test. I shall go off to the west and such. Le sigh.

Frodo: I've changed my mind. I think I'll keep the ring.

Galadriel: Go sleep! And leave me to my bitterness.

Frodo: She still never told me what chicken tastes like.

* * *

Note: So. There. Its been awhile but we're back! ...For the moment at least... so...... REVIEW! S'il vous plait.

Merci!!


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